The Rookery

The afternoon took a funny turn today when I began what I thought would be a brief reminder to keep games in perspective.  A post-lunch game had ended in argument two days in a row, an indication that students were struggling to keep competition in check.  This is something that is central to our work in social curriculum in fourth and fifth grade so it was a good opportunity to do a reminder.

But as the conversation unfolded it was clear there was more going on.  Some students were part of a "tribe" that other students felt excluded from.  This "Ooga Booga" tribe had started as part of a game during our Wednesday ramble (totem corn stalks, running around and chanting "ooga booga" in a primal way was the extent of it).  The game continued and became more defined during the next two recesses and the kids who were playing sat together at lunch and made plans.

The kids involved were very open to talking about the game and what they were doing and it soon came out that they felt excluded from another group, The Polar Bear Club, that I had actually started at Wolf Ridge.  This is a math puzzle involving dice and, once you figure out the rule, you can become a member of the club.

Hmm…the discussion quickly became a philosophical one.  What did "exclusion" mean?  Was it O.K. to exclude someone for one reason (not having solved a puzzle yet) but not another (not being part of the Ooga game when it began).  Some students saw a difference in that anyone could eventually become a member of the the Polar Bear Club but other students argued that it felt bad to be excluded from both so there wasn't a difference, even though you could eventually get into one.

Another pointed out that getting let into the Ooga club was a judgement of the club members so it felt more personal if you weren't allowed to play.  The students acknowledged this was true but then wondered allowed what would happen if everyone wanted to play.  "What's the point of a tribe if everyone's in it?"  Another person countered that not everyone would want to be in it so that wasn't a fair argument.

From there we talked about the nature of groups.  Was it O.K. to have a group of friends that you hang out with more than others? Most agreed that it was.  But when did it cross the line into exclusion?  Students felt that happened when you purposefully leave someone else out.  What were the consequences of exclusion?  When we define ourselves by excluding others, how does that affect us?  How do you recognize when you are doing something hurtful versus having special friendships?

Some of these questions I firmly guided students to answering: when we exclude others to make ourselves feel included, we end up creating a situation in which we could quickly become excluded.  By pushing others "down" in an attempt to get "up" we end up feeling worse about ourselves, and fearful that we may get pushed "down."  And, my mantra when we talk about friendship group issues, "Kids with friends, are friendly."  Despite the media portrayals to the contrary, mean kids are lonely, not popular.  Kids like to be with kids who are nice to them.

Other questions I left unanswered…but I made sure the Herons knew that simply by tackling these issues, they were doing the right thing.  One student asked if I was banning Ooga Booga and I asked what the point would be.  After all, they could just create the "Snorks" or the "Fugelhorns" or whatever other group.  Instead they needed to think about the bigger issues involved and figure out how to have a group that didn't hurt others.

And what about that Polar Bear Club? (click on the link to play)  I told them that I would never pose a puzzle that was beyond their ability and make it the basis of getting into the group.  Every one of the Herons is capable of figuring out this puzzle…but one has to have patience and persevere.  It does feel uncomfortable when you don't get it, especially if other people are getting it.  But is that discomfort the same as arbitrary exclusion?

I was glad the Herons were thinking about these issues.  I hope that by wrestling with them in the safe confines of our meeting area they will have some more tools to navigate the tricky social waters ahead.  By acknowledgeing that there are no simple solutions that I can enact as a teacher (like banning Ooga Booga) it helps students feel impowered to find solutions themselves.

I hope that you'll take this opportunity to talk to your child about social groups and cliques.  What are your experiences?  What values do you hope they bring to their friendship groups?  This is the time to have those conversations; it creates a foundation you can build upon as the situations get more complex in the years to come.